I grew up in a very rigid household. I never felt good enough. If I worked my ass off and thought I did a good job, I’d go to my parents with pride only to be told it wasn’t right, or questioned why I hadn’t done better.
There was a time in high school that I had gotten home from school and started cleaning the bathroom because it was dirty, to which my step dad came down & asked if my homework was done. Because I had just gotten home, it was obvious it was not, but the bathroom was dirty and I wanted to clean it. I was grounded for having my priorities messed up.
There was a lot of this.
A lot of made up rules that made me confused about how the world actually worked.
I thought the way I had been taught was the only right way, because that’s how I was taught.
I was also met with harshness every single day.
I thought being harsh (a bitch) was just part of being an adult, that’s how you go through life.
I got to college & lost romantic partners and friends because of my harshness and need of having things MY WAY… because after all, my way was the correct way.
It took me getting to a dark place before I realized that I was the common denominator in people leaving me.
I was the problem.
My harshness (bitch ways) & need for things being my way was the problem. I was the problem.
From here, I started accepting others experiences.
I started getting curious about others; how they think, how they move through their lives, how they see the world.
I started realizing that they way others live is actually a lot better than how I had been living and I wanted to adopt some of their ways.
I started implementing changes in myself. I started taking pauses when I was angry.
I started adapting techniques to calm my shit down so that I wasn’t flying off the handle and losing my shit on people like I had my entire life.
I started finding inner peace.
Through a lot of trial and error, that still occurs, I have found a way to observe myself and realize me & my thinking and rules of the world is not at the center of the universe. Other people can be correct as well. I don’t have to take other people’s rules for the world, personally. I understand that everyone has a unique view of the world based on their own influences and beliefs. And that’s what makes the world beautiful!
Once I got through this initial phase of being super rough; I flopped all the way to the other side & became super submissive.
This is how I found myself in toxic relationships…
I was scared of my anger.
Up until this point it was my anger that had created this distance between me and others. My anger was wrong. My anger is what scared people away. I wasn’t allowed to be angry. I didn’t want to allow myself to become the problem again.
It took a lot of shitty things happening to me before I realized that anger is actually necessary.
Anger is our soul’s way of telling us what we are and are not okay with.
I had to first distinguish between the anger that had previously gotten me into trouble, what I now call wounded anger, and this new kind of anger I was experiencing, which I call sacred anger.