I grew up in a very rigid household. I never felt good enough. If I worked my ass off and thought I did a good job, I’d go to my parents with pride only to be told it wasn’t right, or questioned why I hadn’t done better.
There was a time in high school that I had gotten home from school and started cleaning the bathroom because it was dirty, to which my step dad came down & asked if my homework was done. Because I had just gotten home, it was obvious it was not, but the bathroom was dirty and I wanted to clean it. I was grounded for having my priorities messed up.
There was a lot of this.
A lot of made up rules that made me confused about how the world actually worked.
I thought the way I had been taught was the only right way, because that’s how I was taught.
I was also met with harshness every single day.
I thought being harsh (a bitch) was just part of being an adult, that’s how you go through life.
I got to college & lost romantic partners and friends because of my harshness and need of having things MY WAY… because after all, my way was the correct way.
It took me getting to a dark place before I realized that I was the common denominator in people leaving me.
I was the problem.
My harshness (bitch ways) & need for things being my way was the problem. I was the problem.
From here, I started accepting others experiences.
I started getting curious about others; how they think, how they move through their lives, how they see the world.
I started realizing that they way others live is actually a lot better than how I had been living and I wanted to adopt some of their ways.
I started implementing changes in myself. I started taking pauses when I was angry.
I started adapting techniques to calm my shit down so that I wasn’t flying off the handle and losing my shit on people like I had my entire life.
I started finding inner peace.
Through a lot of trial and error, that still occurs, I have found a way to observe myself and realize me & my thinking and rules of the world is not at the center of the universe. Other people can be correct as well. I don’t have to take other people’s rules for the world, personally. I understand that everyone has a unique view of the world based on their own influences and beliefs. And that’s what makes the world beautiful!
Once I got through this initial phase of being super rough; I flopped all the way to the other side & became super submissive.
This is how I found myself in toxic relationships…
I was scared of my anger.
Up until this point it was my anger that had created this distance between me and others. My anger was wrong. My anger is what scared people away. I wasn’t allowed to be angry. I didn’t want to allow myself to become the problem again.
It took a lot of shitty things happening to me before I realized that anger is actually necessary.
Anger is our soul’s way of telling us what we are and are not okay with.
I had to first distinguish between the anger that had previously gotten me into trouble, what I now call wounded anger, and this new kind of anger I was experiencing, which I call sacred anger.
Wounded anger is what psychologists call, “projection” and means that there’s something I’m getting mad at outside of myself, when really, I don’t like that part of myself… I’m actually mad at myself about it, but blaming other people…
Sacred anger is the anger you feel when your boundaries are being crossed, when something is happening that you deep down know to be wrong and it’s your souls way of crying for help - to place that boundary, to demand better.
*This is what’s behind the name of my podcast “Inner bitch inner truth”
I was being judgmental of my inner bitch, I hated that she had pushed so many people away from me, she ruined so many relationships. Then I realized she was coming back & trying to save me. She’s the inner truth part, too. She’s who tells me when something is not okay with me. She comes online to fight those battles that the submissive part of me wasn’t able to.
Once I could distinguish between the 2 kinds of anger, I had to create a relationship with my sacred anger.
I became so clear in what was and was not okay with me and it allowed me to start placing boundaries in a more effortless way, I just started saying it with full conviction that I deserved to be saying it.
I still have moments where I question if I was too harsh, but I think that’s just part of the process; this recalibration of how to effectively use anger without hurting people.
I am actively working on creating a relationship with myself that is based in love and not fear or anger.
I am working on the inner dialogue when my nervous system is triggered & I have a wave of fear come over me.
I have to be so gentle & kind, loving & stable for my inner child to feel safe.
It’s been a long road already & I know we’ve got a lot farther to go.
I still am processing so much from my childhood - I have complex PTSD, high functioning anxiety/depression + addiction to not eating.
What’s at the bottom of these diagnoses is the fact that I have unprocessed trauma & because of that, I can be such a dick to myself, so the experience of it is like I’m having this internal battle.
One part saying I’m worthless and a piece of shit - the other knows that this is not at all true.
This isn’t something that can be fixed through talking or words.
It’s something I have to process on a very deep level - I’ve had to grieve the loss of the parents I wished I’d had, I’ve had to feel the pain of realizing they were never going to show up for me in the way I needed them to. And then I’ve had to become the parent I always wished I’d had… that’s the internal dialogue to make myself feel safe.
This is not at all to shame & blame my parents.
I have been mad basically my entire life until I had something crack open last summer when I finally embodied the understanding that they were doing the best that they could.
They didn’t have the capacity to do things differently because they didn’t know any different.
I’ve been working on my familial relationships throughout all of this healing, pain & discovery and I’ve been able to do it in a way where I process but do not blame them. Something I didn’t think would be possible.
I’d say our relationship is the best it’s ever been - because we can be open, honest, and now… I no longer take things personally.
That’s probably the key. It was never about me.
The way they showed up for me had everything to do with them.
It was never about me.
I'm curious, does my story help you see yourself more clearly?
Where you are, where you're going?
What's your story?
What questions do you have about this journey I am on?
Email them to me: firstname.lastname@example.org
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Sending you love, friends.