I should not be where I am in life - living in the manifestation of my childhood mind, with the most incredible partner I can be 100% myself with, doing what I love every day.
If you knew & understood the full scale of my childhood, you’d understand that I should be a statistic.
I should still be in my hometown, surrounded by the toxicity I grew up in, thinking it’s normal.
I should be in a toxic relationship; being verbally if not physically abused.
I should have an incredible amount of self doubt.
I should be angry, so angry and blame the world for my problems.
I should be going through my life with a chip on my shoulder thinking that people who had it better than me owe me something.
I should be outwardly showing that I don’t care, but internally saying to myself the only reason they have those things is because they had it easier than I did.
I know this because I’ve been in these places.
Every single one.
Now, I can see this in so many people.
There’s this funny thing that happens - the more you heal, the more you see.
The further away from dysfunction, the more dysfunction you’re able to recognize.
I don’t feel comfortable sharing all I’ve been through, at least not yet.
I spent a lot of time being angry, I spent a lot of time allowing myself to be victimized to what had/was happening.
But that only kept me in the shit.
Then I realized I didn’t want to feel shitty all of the time.
I didn’t want to have to put on this mask like everything was okay but inside I was the most high functioning anxious/depressed person.
I had been doing this since I was young, like pre-kindergarden…I had to do this just so that I could feel “normal.”
I was never normal.
I was traumatized and hiding it.
I think a lot of people are.
I want you to know there’s a way out.
You don’t have to feel this way.
And most importantly, you’re not alone.
I’m not saying things are perfect and I’m totally healed, because that’s not true. There are still a lot of things I am processing and working through.
However, the internal feeling of peace and acceptance I have right now & trust I have in the hardships being gifts is unlike anything I ever could have imagined feeling.
It’s worth all of the healing pain I had to go through to get to this space.
You won’t be able to affirm your way through this healing.
You can’t use your mind & think your way out of pain.
Especially if your childhood pains are deep, and for most of us, they are.
You’ve got to go & feel the things you didn’t allow your childhood self to feel then.
You have to be the adult & feel them for your inner child.
You have to be the adult that you wish you had in your life as a child.
You have to show up for yourself.
You have to take care of yourself.
You have to love yourself, to be consistent and follow through on the things you tell yourself you are going to do.
You have to.
This is the work.
I get it, I thought I would die if I allowed myself to feel those deep feelings, that’s why I wasn’t able to do this work on my own.
I tried bypassing the feelings, I thought I could crack some code to a healing modality that would give me the easy way to do this work… but I only prolonged my healing.
Because the truth is that the feeling is inevitable.
If you want help doing this work, schedule a discovery call.
This is what I help people through.
Do you have questions about anything I just wrote? I’d love to know them… comment or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org