Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Don’t share.
This is a very common way of thinking.
It’s also the kind of thinking that keeps us isolated, feeling lonely.
Because it tells us that we’re supposed to deal with the heavy shit alone.
And because there’s a lot of people thinking this way, we think other people can handle their shit just fine, and that maybe there’s something wrong with us, because we’re NOT okay.
It feels as though our shit is slowly making our ship sink, but we still don’t feel comfortable sharing and confiding because we deeply feel we should be able to figure this out on our own, and then if you go deeper, there’s a feeling that maybe something’s wrong with you. Maybe you’re defective.
I know this because I’ve been here.
I’ve felt so defective as a person because of how much I feel.
Because of how overwhelmed the little things would make me.
There’s this specific memory that sticks out - I was so excited to see the Air & Water show downtown Chicago and I was getting ready, makeup, clothes, etc. only to be rushed by my ex, who did not go about it in a nice way & I started to get anxious because not only was I being rushed and I knew I needed to do all of these things before leaving, I had already had social anxiety creeping in because I was about to be by a lot of people and at this point in time, I had to really talk myself up for stuff like this… I started to get so overwhelmed with anxiety that I became completely taken over by it. I started having a full blown panic attack, crying, and ultimately ended up not going because I felt so shitty.
I didn’t understand why something so simple had to be such a hard thing.
What was wrong with me?
Why was this happening to me?
Looking back, I was not using my support system. I was not sharing. I was completely isolating myself.
I was not sharing the “bad” things about my relationship because I wanted people to think it was perfect. (Because I had to be perfect, or I was worthless - I hadn’t uncovered this subconscious belief at this point but that is what was running the show)
I was not talking about the social anxiety that I get. I wasn’t talking about the fact that I didn’t like myself very much and I thought I was ugly because of acne, stupid because of some of my grades, and a failure because I was in ND school and I was supposed to be eating healthy but sometimes I really just needed some pizza and Reece’s because I couldn’t get myself to eat anything else.
There was so much I was going through that I was attempting to carry on my own.
It’s actually extraordinary that I was able to accomplish so much with everything that I was dealing with.
I was fighting one tough ass battle and I hadn’t even realized it.
If only I had even just 1 person that I would have confided in, everything would have been different.
And actually that’s how I found myself out of that one.
I made a friend.
I started trusting.
I started sharing.